Eastern Oklahoma Catholic July/August 2010 : Page 10
m a r r i a g e m a t t e r s I’m afraid my husband is an alcoholic. Stephanie says: When we were first married right out of college, our social life seemed to consist of weekend drinking with our friends – sometimes a little too much drinking. But as we’ve all grown up, nobody seems to do that anymore – except Paul. He drinks a few beers every night and even more on the weekends. His behavior when he drinks is hard to take. I have asked him to stop – why won’t he? What’s wrong with a few beers? Paul says: Stephanie is being ridicu-lous. Of course I’m not an alcoholic – I only drink beer. I could stop any time I wanted, but why should I? I don’t understand why Stephanie is suddenly making a big deal out of this – we both drank when we first met; now she expects me to drink nothing but soda. Beer contains alcohol and therefore qualifies as a beverage that could con-tribute to one becoming an alcoholic. Tom believes there is a problem with defi-nitions, and Jo believes Paul receives too large of an allowance from Stephanie. Otherwise, how could Paul continue to afford the amount of beer he evidently consumes each day? Paul asked the question, “Why should I stop?” For starters, why wouldn’t you? Obviously, Paul must enjoy these constant arguments. Usually, when one person continues to drink to the point that it manifests itself as unacceptable behavior, there are underlying problems. We believe there are two related things Paul and Stephanie will need to address in order to keep their marital union intact – the spiritual and the practical. On the practical side, we know that when one spouse turns to alcohol or pills or food or TV or work or the Internet – or anything – to the point that it becomes addictive, there is usually something he or she is masking and doesn’t want to face. In most situations, addictive behaviors (in this case alcohol) mask unaddressed hurts that a person has not yet dealt with. Open, life-giving, supportive communication is essential for Paul and Stephanie. Within the context of their marriage, Stephanie can take the first major step by reassuring Paul of her love and support and her commitment to stay with him while they deal with the underlying issues together. A firm commitment to their marriage vows “in sickness and in health” is an absolute first step. Their commitment to each other is foundational to the success of getting over this speed bump in their relationship. Eastern Oklahoma Catholic 10 July/August 2010 | www.dioceseoftulsa.org He said She said what do they do? Any problem that affects one spouse is a problem for both. This is not just Stephanie’s problem or Paul’ problem – it is a “we” problem that only can be solved in an environ ment of mutuality. Alcoholism is a disease; because it is, we cannot self-diagnose. Like can cer or diabetes, it takes someone who is skilled in dealing with that form of disease to help identify it and help us deal with it. One such group of specialists, with a highly effective pr gram, is Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). It is found in almost every city and small town in the United States. If Paul truly does not believe he has a pr then he should have no problem in seek ing confirmation from a specialist. Make no mistake – even if Pau believe he has a problem with alc he does have a relationship probl Stephanie. In our experience, if h problem with Stephanie, he most a problem in his relationship with sacrament of matrimony calls eac St. Clare, virgin Aug. 11 | St. Jane Frances de Chantel, religious Aug. 12 | St. Pontian,
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